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You may have heard of Alexandre Trudeau’s paean to his tyrant hero, Fidel Castro.

His telling of Fidel’s qualities and accomplishments is so impressive, there is only one man who can possibly compare: Chuck Norris.

So here they are head-to-head. Who’s the man?

Note: As far as we know, Alexandre Trudeau was not trying to write satire. All the quotes about Fidel Castro are taken verbatim from his article.

Beards

• “I grew up knowing that Fidel Castro had a special place among my family’s friends. We had a picture of him at home: a great big man with a beard who wore military fatigues and held my baby brother Michel in his arms.”
• “There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.”

Winner: Chuck Norris. That’s a dangerous growth of hair.

Friendship

• “Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.”
• Fidel is “the greatest friend of all.”

Winner: Fidel.

Scientific Discovery

• “Fidel is not a politician. He is more in the vein of a great adventurer or a great scientific mind.”
• “Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one.”

Winner: Chuck Norris.

Thirst For Knowledge

• “Fidel is also the most curious man that I have ever met.”
• “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”
• “[Fidel] synthesizes information quickly and gets back to you with ever deeper and more complex questions, getting more and more excited as he illuminates, through his Socratic interrogation, new parcels of knowledge and understanding he might add to his own mental library.”

Winner: Fidel.

On The Job, 24/7

• “Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.”
• “[Fidel] is famous for not sleeping, instead spending the night studying and learning.”

Winner: Fidel.

Omniscience

• “[Fidel's] intellect is one of the most broad and complete that can be found. He is an expert on genetics, on automobile combustion engines, on stock markets. On everything.”
• “Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.”
• “[Fidel] sees all and knows all.”
• “Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.”
• “[Fidel] always knows what is best for you.”
• “If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything.”

Winner: Chuck Norris.

They Might Be Giants

• “Combined with a Herculean physique and extraordinary personal courage, monumental intellect makes Fidel the giant that he is.”
• “Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.”

Winner: Chuck. Breathing fire is cool.

Respect This!

• “[Cubans] respect his intellectual machismo and rigour.”
• “Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.”

Winner: Chuck.

Look, Up In The Sky!

• “[Fidel] is something of a superman.”
• “Faster than a speeding bullet … more powerful than a locomotive … able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… yes, these are some of Check Norris’s warm-up exercises.”

Winner: Fidel.

Oxygen? Who Needs It?

• Fidel can skin dive 60 feet without a tank, while “grinning”.
• “Check Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Check Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.”

Winner: Fidel. All Chuck did was fall.

Low-Carbing

• Fidel feasts “on raw sea urchins, seasoned with lime juice.”
• “Check Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.”

Winner: Fidel. Mmm… urchins.

The Joy Of Fatherhood

• “The death of a father so grand and present as Fidel will immortalize him in the minds of his children.”
• “On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.”
• “With the possible exception of Nelson Mandela, already well into retirement, Fidel is the last of the global patriarchs.”
• “Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.”

Winner: Just by not throwing children into the sun, Fidel does sound like the better parent.

Yet More Awesomeness

• “Fidel doesn’t really do politics. He is a revolutionary.”
• “Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.”
• “[Fidel is] the most audacious and brilliant of leaders.”
• “Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck won by 5.”
• Fidel is “a visionary statesman”, and an “unmatched intellect”

Winner: Err… I’m starting to think the authors may have boy-crushes on their respective subjects.

Okay, Now You’ve Lost Me

• “Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!”
• “Cubans will always feel privileged that they, and they alone, had Fidel.”

Winner: Frankly, neither of these statements seem remotely plausible to me.

The Final Verdict

If all this is taken at face value, Chuck Norris would clearly be the ass-kickingest man in any fight.

From an entertainment standpoint, however, Alexandre’s article is much funnier than even Chuck Norris.

John Ibbitson ($) on the war on terror, and Canada’s role in the Anglosphere:

Our advantage over them lies in our unity. The various Muslim terrorist organizations would probably be fighting each other if they weren’t fighting us. But Western nations see things the same way. We share our intelligence. We jointly preserve our liberties despite tough anti-terrorism legislation, and keep our borders open to each other despite all the new security measures.

That is why those who accuse the Prime Minister of tying Canada too closely to the United States are so dangerously deluded. Winning the war on terror depends on solidarity among the allies. It depends on those morning security briefings being as comprehensive as possible, based on mutual trust.

The worst thing we could do would be to distance ourselves, to search for a more “nuanced” stand. It would erode the trust of those whose trust we need, while doing nothing to protect us from attack.

Chronic wars last a very long time. But they do end. Twenty years ago, no one would have predicted the end of the Cold War, the end of apartheid, an end to the Troubles. But they’re in the past, and the good guys won. The good guys will win this one, too, as long as we keep our heads and stick together, like we always have before.

Somedays I think about giving up on the Globe entirely. Not today, though.

Colby Cosh has a column in today’s L.A. Times, in which he answers questions about the Conservative’s election win:

Is Canada still the progressive, socially liberal neighbor of Democratic dreams and Republican nightmares?

Can our mythic reputation as a cleaner, politer Europe survive incoming Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s Conservative regime?

Cosh’s answer?

In modern Canada, sexual mores are largely determined by the courts, which are dominated by buck-wild, porn-loving Liberal appointees…

In the U.S., one often hears that the Bill of Rights cannot logically apply to matters the founders never imagined; our Charter of Rights was passed in 1982, when 77% of legislators kept in their desks well-thumbed copies of Oui or Screw magazine. We’re in the clear.

(h/t: markc)

Prime Minister-Designate Stephen Harper’s first press conference was short and sweet. (h/t)

There was a refreshing brevity to Harper’s responses. He occasionally dodged, but he didn’t weave…

From start to finish, the entire media availability seemed to take up no more time than one of outgoing Prime Minister Paul Martin’s subordinate clauses.

Of source, you’d be brief too, if you were out of breath:

Prime minister-designate Stephen Harper was taken to the General campus of the Ottawa Hospital late last night after suffering an asthma attack.

But this part is very uncool:

Mr. Harper, 46, appeared shirtless underneath a hospital gown, and went down a quiet hallway to an area filled with examination rooms.

Approximately half an hour later, security personnel emerged from the examination area and cautiously checked out the hallway before Mr. Harper reappeared. He was fully dressed again in a long black wool coat, and accompanied by a woman and three to four security personnel.

When approached by the Citizen, Mr. Harper did not respond and continued toward the escalators with his entourage. He appeared red-faced and tired.

No wonder Paul Martin goes to a private clinic – for privacy.

For future reference, if I ever become a public figure: If I have been rushed to the hospital unable to breathe, and I’m wearing a backless gown… it’s going to be a NO COMMENT. Thanks.

I can’t wait for the Citizen’s next interview with Harper, conducted from the stall next his in a Tim Horton’s bathroom:

“Had a lot of coffee this morning, huh? Mr. Prime Minister?”

Footnote: New Communications Director William Stairs is quoted as both confirming and denying Mr. Harper’s asthma:

The Citizen:

William Stairs, Mr. Harper’s director of communications, confirmed last night that the Conservative leader was taken to the hospital for treatment of asthma.

CTV:

“He doesn’t suffer from asthma; he had it as a child. And from time to time whenever he feels uncomfortable he goes and has things looked at,” Stairs told CTV Newsnet on Friday morning.

Totally contradictory messages on the first day, albeit on a minor matter, is not a good start for the communications team.